Rumination of a Neku Okami

wulfsden: Truth I’ve never believed this of...

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 21:03:46 -0700

wulfsden:

Truth

I’ve never believed this of anyone… still don’t.

Do not forget the small things..

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 12:23:36 -0800

Do not forget the small things..

Hope

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 12:02:19 -0800

I have some hopes for the next part of my path. A major healing 911 ritual was held on behalf of a little girl in a hospital this last Tuesday… today she is being released. My thoughts with the girl, I almost cried when I got the message last night.

I had my own high ritual yesterday for some personal things, it took me a while to plan it and while it wasn’t a full or new moon, the Gods do hear us if our intent is pure. I had some wonderful inspiration from Walk in Spirit…. if you have not read it or flipped through it I highly suggest it.

I still, STILL have not been able to truly dig into Fire in the Head…. I don’t know if it’s due to my lack of focus, not taking enough time for me, or it’s just not what I need to be reading right now. But I’ve renewed it from the library so hopefully I can get it digested at least for the sake of knowledge in the next month.

However, I note that I have more renewals available with Fire in the Head than my other library book so perhaps I will read the other one first. Wyrdworking is the other book and it only has two renewals left. Well that answers that one, been trying to read the wrong one!

Mental landscape for tonight

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 00:53:42 -0800

Mental landscape for tonight

Path

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 00:46:03 -0800

The spiritual path of a personal skeptic is a hard one to follow, I occasionally have faith in myself in my power and inner light, and other times I do not. I have been walking a solitary path for quite a while. However recently I have formalized or help formalize the birth of a coven (whom I occasionally refer to as an ‘oven’). heheh.

I have a sense of humor about the forces of life… and identify strongly as both Wolf and Cat… Bast also figures largely into my own personal Pantheon.

I have found that highly focused thoughts will indeed bring the attention of the universe to me. Thinking positive is a very real thing, and while it is a path I prefer to walk occasionally I find something shiny and wonder off and get lost…. fae? No me? Why do you ask? *teeheehee*

I am also a SCAdian when it is convenient, a bellydancer, a wonderful girlfriend and a loyal and true friend.

My spirituality is currently on too many paths and needs to be reigned in. My Native American heratige and spiritual leanings, is closely tied to all things Celtic… which brings up Druid path which brings up Shamanism… which

Yeah as you can tell - I am one with too many mind.

My observations of others is wonderful, clear and usually kind (till you piss me off) - my self observations is overly critical, perfectionist and sometimes blind… I can admit it.

My current goal is to gain more knowledge of my personal Pantheon. I remember in my childhood I knew a great deal and identified strongly with the Greek God(ess)s and frankly need a refresher.

Birth

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 00:32:29 -0800

The thunder rolled over the valley like a squad of low flying fighter jets. Rain beat against her skin like so many needles, pricking every exposed surface until it was numb. Lightning strobed and flashed blurring her vision.

Deaf, numb and blind she came into the world.

Moving with a swiftness that eluded physics she swam through the air. Trying to get out of the rain, away from the things that deafened and blinded her. She moved with a grace that would put a cat to shame. Still she felt no relief.

For hours she moved thusly, exhausting herself. Further shocking her system until she collapsed seemingly in the same valley where the rain poured, the thunder rolled, and the lightning flashed.

She slept for a time. Too tired to think, too tired to dream the nightmare that had haunted her to this place. The darkness closed on her like a skin tight suit, armoring her against the day that would surely come.

She was so used to her blindness that she extend another sense of herself. Some call it the sixth sense. Some a feeling, an intuition when all else of the bodies input fails. As dawn broke with a crawling efficiency over the land she saw forest and plains as far as the eye could see. She saw a river where when last she looked there had been none. There were animals now that had not been there before. She could see, and that sight blinded her so that she screamed into the morning air and collapsed.

Into herself she sunk, forgetting the sight, forgetting the sound of her scream, forgetting the feel of hot tears that streaked down her face. It was easier this way, more familiar. Exhausting herself again she carefully pried open her eyes to see what the world had in store for her.

The landscape remained the food and sustenance of heart, body and soul was before her. Yet locked in inaction she stayed unable to believe, unable to trust what she saw and the fear that came with it still gripped her heart.

Slowly like the largest worm moving through the wet soil below, she moved towards the river. It seemed to take days to move that distance until she stood before the waters that might cleanse her. Not the pricking stinging needles of the long night’s rain; but the swift carriage of water that could whisk her to safety, to her death. It mattered little and she fell into the water, much life falling into herself.

She let the water hold her, support her as the waves carried her away. Downstream she moved, and saw more of the land. Bright and green, flowers of purple and blue carpeted the landscape. Insects hummed happily above the water, to be eaten by the fish waiting patiently below.

The cycle of life she watched with a newborns eyes. Each was new, wondrous and frightening.

Eventually she moved out of the water, making her way to a grassy slope that the sun had baked dry. Onto it she fell, fell into herself, more comfortable this time than the last. Here there was no current but the microscopic movement of the earth miles below the surface. Here she dried herself, warmed herself from a coldness so deep that the heat hurt, and burned her. Still she remained, remained as the heat burned her anew. Something else, anything else than the long dark night.

She saw something that a rabbit chewed on and made her way on hand and knees to it. Small green leaves in trios and fours covered the landscape. Hesitantly she reached down to pluck a sprig from the ground and began to chew. The taste was new and bitter to her, yet she continued to chew as her stomach began to complain bitterly at her. Who knew how long it had been before she had anything. Had she ever eaten before in her life?

Yet the clover and the flowers sweeter than the greens assuaged her appetite.

Now full, clean, warm and whole she looked across the planes and forest. There was so much there. Would she survive it? Could she survive it? She sat for a long time, for a turning of the seasons she watched the valley grow and die, to be born again when the warm winds came. She saw animals hunt one another, make love to one another, and care for one another. She finally rose, and shook out her long red hair that had grown in the intervening seasons. Her clothes, though she didn’t remember having any were long gone replaced by leaf, twin and flower.

She had seen this world come into birth the day she had come to birth. Now it was time to see how this world had faired in her observation, how waking among it she might come to see her own fairness.

Ever giving the green mother walked her pathways, leaving bright red flowers in her wake. Now it was time

Shadow Dancer

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 00:31:25 -0800

In the shadows I dance,
on the outside looking in
In the midst of many I am One.

In the shadows I dance,
Encouraging your joy,
I am your mirror showing a way.

In the shadows I dance,
Holding open doors and windows too,
Never stepping through.

In the shadows I dance,
Your sensuality caressing your skin,
With no release of my own.

In the shadows I dance,
Your rage withholding,
I stand unbreakable in it’s release.

In the shadows I dance,
Feet picking through the air,
Grace lifting my arms
Wind wipping my hair.

I am the watcher in the shadows,
Showing you your true face.
I am the love of a mother,
The fury of a sister,
I am the acceptance of a brother,
The embrace of a lover.

I am the Shadow Dancer
On the outside looking in
In the midst of many
I am One.
In one I am many.
Love as you may
Hate as you will
I will be there to mirror you.

I am the Shadow Dancer.

(2006ish)

Whitness

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 00:30:17 -0800

All Stood whitness, a dream

***something to keep in mind, is everything in here of my past that I describe… is real. this is a dream of self realization***

It was night time, and I got the call.

I had to go back to the house… the one I grew up in. The one I was beaten in, molested and mind fucked almost beyond repair. Something about Bill, either near death or dead. Myles was there, and I made a call to C, telling him I needed him to be with me. I needed them to protect me in some way, but mostly to stand and bare witness.

I drove to Redmond, where this house lay. It’s not so much of a house in the conventional sense, it was originally a parts shop, with a three story open sided barn, and a one story cement floor shop out the back which when I lived there had been turned into a living room, kitchen, bedrooms, bathroom etc.

I got to where I was going, and like the last time I’d seen the place there was a burin surrounding the property, so you couldn’t drive. A barricade of earth to block himself in, to block others out.

I went in through the woods, the night was dark and moonless. There are no street lamps where we are, there are sink holes, brush covering every inch of ground, trees creaking in the wind talking to one another. Still I did not stumble, my feet knew the ground well, so often I came to hide in the woods, to escape. Still Myles and C walked with me, flanked me, they stood witness.

I had the strangest urge approaching the property of roughly three acres. I began calling for Snow. Snow, by all rights and respects in reality should be long dead, she was my dog; a miniature Alaskan malamute. She’d been abused too, but I took her in and sheltered her.

Suddenly I could hear her yapping bark, moving quickly through the woods to me. In the voice I’ve used so often in the past I called to her, letting her know it was me… letting her know that allies approached not enemies. She came into view, her eyes flashing in light that my eyes couldn’t see. I crouched down while she growled warningly at me. I still talked to her, and I couldn’t blame her. I had left when I was 15, I am now 25. She was old when I left, she is ancient now. Her fur matted, her stomach sunken. It killed me to see her like that, and vowed that I would take care of her once more.

I introduced her to C and Myles and we moved on. Snow running guard as she had always done for me before. Taking point, coming back to check on me, scouting the area behind me, running back and forth on legs that didn’t look like they should support her. But support her they did.

Myles and C, continued to bare witness.

I sensed her before I ever saw her. Lobidia… Laloba… Wolf. She was hurt, her leg broken, not healing properly. The wound was abscessed and I could smell it on the air before she came at me. Teeth bared she leapt for me, barley growling. But her too I knew from before, though she was sent away when I was 12… too much wolf in her, Bill had said, sent her to a ‘ranch’. I never knew if that meant that he had her killed, or if she went where she belonged, but regardless she should have been dead by now.

She had even less reason to remember me, and I shouted for Myles and C to stand fast but not to interfere as 70 lbs of wolven dog rushed me and knocked me over. I curled my arm to my throat blocking her way should she choose to go there, pulling my feet underneath me as I rocked back, my legs snapped up flipping her over my head. Growling low I moved on her, taking her nose in my mouth, l reminded her who was dominant as I had done before. I held her there till she whimpered at me, and rolled up into a sitting position. As she’d done before, she crawled over, on her belly to me, a yip-whine issuing from her throat apologizing for her attack. I looked at her then, placing my hand under her jaw pulling her head towards me and barring my throat for her to lick. I introduced her to C and Myles and moved on.

All bore witness.

I moved through the woods to the clear cut area. When I was 12 we had to start cutting the trees down for more money, a lot of the area had been wooded, and now ugly stumps dotted the ground like marked graves.

I cried for them again.

I moved past the swing set, rusted and rotted by now. It never had swings on it when I was a child, so I jumped onto the crossbar of it as a kid. The eyebolts were still in there, and once both my hands were impaled by the bolts. My palms ached as I marched through.

We reached the open barn. I pointed out to C and Myles, the catwalks up in the attic, where I would hide, the only place I could sleep in the day time, since any weight on the boards made them squeak giving me warning and waking me if anyone approached from any direction.

I reached for the front door, and went through the shop, turned home. I opened the ‘back’ door. The plum tree was still in the hollow and I walked out under the lightened sky. I looked to the sky, then to my four legged companions and raised my head to see if ::they:: were still there.

All three of us howled out the wolf song, singing into the night, I heard C join almost immediately, Myles then too. We sang and I waited to hear the echoes come back, or the voice of the pack that was there as a child… more likely coyotes or wild dogs than wolves, but all ran free. And first one, then another voice joined from across the way. Soon a chorus rose of all joined in the song. Mourning the dead? No, not really. Welcoming the dawn of another day. .

A sound came behind me, one of man. I turned and looked upon a man I knew only as a boy. ::Bear:: my mind said.

The wolf song echoed away.

Myles and C , Snow and the Wolf stood ready, bore witness.

“Who are you?” I asked the man who could only be the child I once knew.

“You are Misty.” he stated, rather than answering my questions.

“Why are you here?” I asked.

“I knew one day you would return, once he was dead.” and with that he held out a pouch I recognized immediately.

I narrowed my eyes, the wolf growled in response to my shift. “Why do I see you hold now as a man that which the boy swore he did not steal from me?”

He lowered his eyes. All Cherokee, once they are found, as it was told to me by an elder; are given a medicine bag by the medicine woman. I am not even a half breed, yet I had one by adoption before I ever learned that I could earn it through blood through my real father. The medicine bag holds things of the elements, of the spirits, that which keep you safe, and signs you find along your journey in life to remind, to console, to help guide. On it is a symbol of your name, as it is recorded in the Histories.

This was the pouch that was lost when I knew him, and now it was before me again.

I took it from him, the pouch warm in my hands.

“Why didn’t you look for me? ” I asked him. “Everyone knew where I could be found, even when I did not want to be found. “

He shook his head, and moved towards me quickly, moving to strike, or moving to kiss I wasn’t sure - but I dug my fingers in under his jaw and pulled up, much like how you’d pull a fish out of water. I glared at him, “Why?” I demanded, growing impatient.

“To see my word upheld. I told you once that I would marry you, and take you away, to let you run with the wolves. I returned, and watched him die to fulfill that vow.” he replied calmly, raising onto his tiptoes to alleviate the pressure my fingers made in his jaw.

I stepped away from him looking both confused and incredulous. “First you must earn the friendship of the woman who was the girl you left those years ago. If you care to see, I have two mates, two loves… ” glancing at Myles and C. I held out either hand to each, and they clasped each hand tightly in their’s and bore witness.

“I do not need you anymore, but you are welcome to walk with us.”

I walked around the property, C and Myles, Snow and Wolf, the man child Bear following behind.

I saw REO… or rather Rhino as we named the old search and rescue truck. I checked to see if the generator was still in it. It was. The generator was large enough to power a small residential block, a good resource to have.

I walked further into woods on the other side of the house, I came to the trailer I last lived in. I opened the door and stepped in. I stopped at one point on the floor. I looked to Myles and C. “This is where I made up my mind, when he hit me for the last time.” I whispered.

A bed was wedged into a small cubby hole. I replayed the scene that made up my mind those years ago. I looked on the bed and saw another startling sight. Rhoudy.

A cat, feral. She only came indoors to have her kittens in my bed. She was on the bed that used to be mine, a new litter of kittens mewing. Rhoudy leaped off the bed, onto the floor, the image blurring as a large white cat replaced the house sized calico cat that Rhoudy had been.

A woman’s voice came in my mind. “Greetings again little one.” The cat was TALKING TO ME! I felt my jaw drop.

An amused chuckled drifted through my mind and the white cat blurred and shifted into a white haired woman, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. She smiled. “I was hoping you would return. It’s time to set you free.” as she came to embrace me.

C and Myles stood witness, and she turned to each of them in turn. Acknowledging their presence, and began to speak verbally.

“She is under our protection. Mine, the Wolf, the Bear. We have watched over her, fought over her and lived on for her. It was necessary while ::He:: lived that she be dampened. Her joyous self is to be reviled so she may live her life in freedom of spirit, as she has learned to walk in freedom of body. “

I shivered at her words, goose bumps rose along my skin as I felt the click in my mind.

I turned my head, and my hair was the way I always thought it should be, but more important my mind was free, my spirit strong before, now practically permeated the air. She smiled light heartedly and reached out to rub my stomach, protruding with weight rather than pregnancy and said “But, this is yours to take care of.” She obviously was referring to my childhood dream that someone would wave a magic wand and I would be the breathtakingly beautiful girl I always thought I was somewhere beneath the weight.

She continued, “We only put part of your spirit away so Bill wouldn’t kill the light. That way you could live through it tempered instead of broken.” Her smile went first to Myles then to C and she addressed them, “You two have done much to show her the temperance and strength she possesses.”

Shimmering appeared beside her, Wolf and Bear stood in shadow and light to either side of her in their true forms. “We all thank you.” they said together and shifted out of sight but not out of presence.

I left the trailer. Silent tears of joy, wonder and victory ran down my cheeks.

Pulling Myles and C. towards me I circled my arms around their waist and said “It’s time to go home.” Then the rain began to fall.

All stood witness.

(This was obviously written back when Myles and Chris and I were together and life was going well… it serves to remind me of what has gone before so the path ahead is better lit. One must embrace her inner Goddess)